DEAVALMA - the bible - internet edishun

Lmao the world, God decreed.
N den there was lol.

Man check this garden of Edam shit.
Naked dude n girl.
And a snake (no planes).

“LOL Boobies” sed Adam to Eve.
“Take the apple faG,” Snake hissed like
some camper.
“Yum” Sed Eve.
“OH NOES!” Adam
“Pwned,” rofled snake.

Then some people made sum drama:
'wah wah, wahburger and cries!” shouted some
lollers from the sex pits
boning some big titted girls.
Sodom and Gamorah wuz where
that shit wuz at!

God smoted right den.
OH shit! FLOOD! Man, that God
just upped and drowned all the bitches!
Cept Noah, the pimp mack daddy of cool n his animal
house party in a boat. (Snakes on a boat! LMAO!)

Ok so den sum dude ran between the
sea with a bush on
fire (STDS!!!!) Man that moses, some kind of
superhero. Smashed a load of rocks and
killed egyptians. Cheeky jews.

Man, some plagues were going down,
and God was chillaxing in heven. Then he saw
that moses guy who sat on a mountain n died.
'Gg dawg, nextmap' sed God givin propz.
'Werd': moses.

Man then this little kid called david
picked up a stone n chucked it.
'Shit' sed this Goliath dude n
got killed cos of a stone. Man
david must have been on steroids or sum shit.
Goliath wuz fucking massive, na'mean.

Ok then some stuff happened with religion
n people. Blood n fighting n shit.
Lols. It wuz violent then.

This King Herod fogel wuz all
'fuck this diet – tyme to kill kids!' Cos
a witch told him he wuz goin to die
becoz of a kid or sumthing.

Mary lolled at some joseph guy n Jesus
da kid wuz born in a bunch of hay, Shit what wuz that
all about? The horses n animals all braying, and a star on
the night.

Three dudes with a few presents did some stuff.
Then a bunch of stuff with some kings and a few hebrews.
Sea all up in this ocizzle and kings getting killed.
Bloody old times, na'mean?

Den Jesus, mah homedawg entered da scene.
'Sup'” sed god's son.
“nm, u?” sed da world.
“nm” sed Jesus.

Jesus talkeda buncha, hebrews and aborigines listened
and this led to some kind of rebellion with a load
of rocks.
All the olden peoples used rocks n shit
when they wuz having fights.

Sum john guy sat in rivers
and tried to put peeps heds in the lake.
Man, he weren't drowning no one.
Just baptiding them with water on the
fayse.

Sum bread n fish made a dinner for a crowd.
Water got some dudes drunk, cos of Jesus. He
wuz all like 'Dudes, check out my powaz!'
N the water was wine.
(wine lollin!)

Lazarus! This dude got all deaded
n Jesus sed 'No way dude, u r 2 kewl'
Felt him up and the guy
wuz all walking around with robes on.

Sum dudes started fishing with Jesus.
“Sup,” sed Peter.
“Lets go teach,” sed Jesus.
“kk boss,” sed the gyse. They all named
disiples n followed Jesus around.

People watched Jesus chattin about
things. Jesus wuz like
'Meek gyse are taken the
earth, ok?”
N everyone sed “Fo sho jizzle.”

“Dudes!” sed Jesus. “Lets build a church, k?”
“lolwhat?” sed The disiple.
Jesus rofled. “U gyse listen. A place where
all these dudes listen about shiznit.”
“Man, that is gewd.” said Peter.
Jesus Church Pimp pad wus built n
people all visited that heezy

Man, them romans started getting pissed.
“Leethax” sed Jesus in some temple.
Coins all over the flizzle!
I'd have picked that shit up.
Dollaz for ho's, namean.

'O shit!' sed Jesus, n dis Judas guy kissed his face.
'Lolfag' sed Petre.
N den jesus wus tekn n stripped.
Man, lotsa crying from the gyse in gefsamany
(another garden LOL)

Man, den Jesus died on some wood in the air.
Judas fell off a chair
and Peter sed sumthing about a pot.

It was the end, till Marian Magdalana spoke
sum words the bible
was free.

N den Jesus floated on water n went
to hevan.
Moses n God greeted him.
"Rofl" sed jesus.
"U done well dude" God sed.

“KK tyme to kill the world,” sed God.
“man what?” sed Jesus
'Hell is goin to be hitting up
that world, dude! Revelations.”
“awwwww hell naw,” Moses seded.


Da end