DEAVALMA - the bible - internet edishun

Lmao the world, God decreed.
N den there was lol.

Man check this garden of Edam shit.
Naked dude n girl.
And a snake (no planes).

“LOL Boobies” sed Adam to Eve.
“Take the apple faG,” Snake hissed like
some camper.
“Yum” Sed Eve.
“OH NOES!” Adam
“Pwned,” rofled snake.

Then some people made sum drama:
'wah wah, wahburger and cries!” shouted some
lollers from the sex pits
boning some big titted girls.
Sodom and Gamorah wuz where
that shit wuz at!

God smoted right den.
OH shit! FLOOD! Man, that God
just upped and drowned all the bitches!
Cept Noah, the pimp mack daddy of cool n his animal
house party in a boat. (Snakes on a boat! LMAO!)

Ok so den sum dude ran between the
sea with a bush on
fire (STDS!!!!) Man that moses, some kind of
superhero. Smashed a load of rocks and
killed egyptians. Cheeky jews.

Man, some plagues were going down,
and God was chillaxing in heven. Then he saw
that moses guy who sat on a mountain n died.
'Gg dawg, nextmap' sed God givin propz.
'Werd': moses.

Man then this little kid called david
picked up a stone n chucked it.
'Shit' sed this Goliath dude n
got killed cos of a stone. Man
david must have been on steroids or sum shit.
Goliath wuz fucking massive, na'mean.

Ok then some stuff happened with religion
n people. Blood n fighting n shit.
Lols. It wuz violent then.

This King Herod fogel wuz all
'fuck this diet – tyme to kill kids!' Cos
a witch told him he wuz goin to die
becoz of a kid or sumthing.

Mary lolled at some joseph guy n Jesus
da kid wuz born in a bunch of hay, Shit what wuz that
all about? The horses n animals all braying, and a star on
the night.

Three dudes with a few presents did some stuff.
Then a bunch of stuff with some kings and a few hebrews.
Sea all up in this ocizzle and kings getting killed.
Bloody old times, na'mean?

Den Jesus, mah homedawg entered da scene.
'Sup'” sed god's son.
“nm, u?” sed da world.
“nm” sed Jesus.

Jesus talkeda buncha, hebrews and aborigines listened
and this led to some kind of rebellion with a load
of rocks.
All the olden peoples used rocks n shit
when they wuz having fights.

Sum john guy sat in rivers
and tried to put peeps heds in the lake.
Man, he weren't drowning no one.
Just baptiding them with water on the
fayse.

Sum bread n fish made a dinner for a crowd.
Water got some dudes drunk, cos of Jesus. He
wuz all like 'Dudes, check out my powaz!'
N the water was wine.
(wine lollin!)

Lazarus! This dude got all deaded
n Jesus sed 'No way dude, u r 2 kewl'
Felt him up and the guy
wuz all walking around with robes on.

Sum dudes started fishing with Jesus.
“Sup,” sed Peter.
“Lets go teach,” sed Jesus.
“kk boss,” sed the gyse. They all named
disiples n followed Jesus around.

People watched Jesus chattin about
things. Jesus wuz like
'Meek gyse are taken the
earth, ok?”
N everyone sed “Fo sho jizzle.”

“Dudes!” sed Jesus. “Lets build a church, k?”
“lolwhat?” sed The disiple.
Jesus rofled. “U gyse listen. A place where
all these dudes listen about shiznit.”
“Man, that is gewd.” said Peter.
Jesus Church Pimp pad wus built n
people all visited that heezy

Man, them romans started getting pissed.
“Leethax” sed Jesus in some temple.
Coins all over the flizzle!
I'd have picked that shit up.
Dollaz for ho's, namean.

'O shit!' sed Jesus, n dis Judas guy kissed his face.
'Lolfag' sed Petre.
N den jesus wus tekn n stripped.
Man, lotsa crying from the gyse in gefsamany
(another garden LOL)

Man, den Jesus died on some wood in the air.
Judas fell off a chair
and Peter sed sumthing about a pot.

It was the end, till Marian Magdalana spoke
sum words the bible
was free.

N den Jesus floated on water n went
to hevan.
Moses n God greeted him.
"Rofl" sed jesus.
"U done well dude" God sed.

“KK tyme to kill the world,” sed God.
“man what?” sed Jesus
'Hell is goin to be hitting up
that world, dude! Revelations.”
“awwwww hell naw,” Moses seded.


Da end

DEAVALMA - Some facts about "Drowning by numbers"

Locations of numbers 1 - 100

(all times approximately)



1. On a tree trunk. Time 3 minutes 7 seconds

2. On a tin bath. Time 5.55

3. On Jake's shirt. Time 7.10

4. Jake's speech - FOUR in hand, a card game. Time 8.07

5. Jake's speech - FIVE card stud, a card game. Time 8.08

6. Beside Madgett's telephone. Time 11.33

7. On a table beside Smut's playing cards. Time 11.48

8. On a digital alarm clock in Hardy's bedroom (very small). Time 12.18

9. On a key-ring in Hardy's bedroom. Time 12.22

10. Smut shouting TEN has he jumps out of a barn. Time 13.48

11. On a photo of Smut jumping out of a barn. 13.59

13. On the side of a barn that Smut is jumping out of. Time 14.07

14. Beside Madgett's telephone in his bedroom. Time 14.08

15. On Madgett's cricket pad. Time 14.08

16. On a wheelbarrow carrying Nancy. Time 15.05

17. Smut's mark of a dead cockerel. Time 15.14

18. On Nancy's rabbit hutches. Time 15.32

19. On Nancy's rabbit hutches. Time 15.35

20. On Nancy's rabbit hutches. Time 15.39

21. On Nancy's front door. Time 15.44

22. Nancy's book, Catch 22. Time 15.54

23. Age on Nancy's birthday card. Time 15.54

24. Smut counting dog hairs. Time 17.32

25. Smut counting dog hairs. Time 17.33

26. Smut counting dog hairs. Time 17.34

27. Smut counting dog hairs. Time 17.35

28. Smut counting dog hairs. Time 17.36

29. Corpse ticket in Smut's matchbox. Time 21.15

30. Amount of matches in Smut's matchbox. Time 21.15

31. Corpse ticket tied to firework. Time 21.23

32. Corpse mark on road. Time 21.24

33. On Smut's stake marking Jake's death. Time 23.18

34. Number of years Cissie 1 says she was married to Jake. Time 24.56

35. Smut mentioning a star, Groombridge 35. Time 26.17

36. On Cissie 3's swimsuit. Time 27.20

37. Insect in Smut's book. Time 31.04

38. Insect in Smut's book. Time 31.04

39. Insect in Smut's book. Time 31.04

37, 38 & 39. Insects in Smut's book

40. Dominoes in Madgett's bedroom. 31.54

41. Location of a corpse told by Smut to Sid the Gravedigger. Time 34:12

42. On a beehive. Time 36.04

43. On Cissie 3's swimming cap. Time 36.22

44. On two items in a cubicle. Time 36.51

45. On a bee. Time 38.14

46. On a bee. Time 38.14

47. On a wooden stake in a churchyard. Time 38.18

48. Counted by Cissie 1. Time 38.56

49. On a water tower. Time 40.50

50. Large numbers near a beach. Time 41.42

51. Madgett's speech: 51 runs scored by a batsman. Time 44.18

52. Madgett's speech: Summer of 1952. Time 44.33

53. On a canvas sheet. Time 45.05

54. Sid's speech: A corpse number. Time 47.10

55. On a photo of Nancy. Time 47.51

56. On Madgett's cricket bat. 48.28

57. On the back of Madgett's camera. Time 48.28

58. Madgett's speech: Runs scored by a batsman. Time 48.54

59. On a bowl in Madgett's bedroom. Time 49.00

60. On Smut's shoulder. Time 49.27

61. In Smut's book. Time 51.57

62. In Smut's Book. Time 51.57

63. In Smut's book. Time 51.57

64. On a night time runner. Time 53.28

65. In Hardy's letter. Time 59.36

66. In Hardy's letter. Time 59.36

67. Cissie 2 writes on typewriter. Time 1:03.23

68. Cissie 2 writes on typewriter. Time 1:03.23

69. Cissie 2 writes on typewriter. Time 1:03.23

70. On a runner. Time 1:02.16

71. On a runner. Time 1:02.16

72. In speech: Page 72 in a book. Time 1:07.27

73. On a pew in a chapel. Time 1:07.45

74. Hymn number. Time 1:08.30

75. Smut's speech: 75 players needed for Hangman's Cricket. Time 1:10.22

76. On a live cow. Time 1:11.17

77. On a live cow. Time 1:11.21

78. On a dead cow. Time 1:11.40

79. On a dead cow. Time 1:11.40

80. In Smut's textbook. Time 1:17.08

81. In Smut's textbook. Time 1:17.08

82. In Smut's textbook. Time 1:17.08

83. On a wall entering Smut's bedroom. Time 1:17.38

84. On white paper on a wall entering Smut's bedroom. Time 1:17.45

85. On a key-ring around Cissie 3's neck. Time 1:18.50

86. Cricket score on radio. Time 1:21.02

87. Around Nancy's neck. Time 1:24.12

88. On a motorbike. Time 1:26.00

89. On the back of a clipboard. Time 1:26.45

90. Above a bar. Time 1:27.10

91. On Smut's tree. Time 1:27.49

92. On a dead fish. Time 1:31.41

93. On a dead fish. Time 1:31.41

94. On a dead fish. Time 1:31.41

95. On a hare in front of skipping girl. Time 1:36.25

96. On a runner. Time 1:41.14

97. On a taxi's number plate. Time 1:40.13

98. On a car's number plate. Time 1:40.13

99. On paper hanging from Smut. Time 1:43.20

100. On Madgett's rowing boat. Time 1:48.55

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The Skipping-Girl, counting 100 stars, of which the names are:

1 - Antares

2 - Capella

3 - Canopus

4 - Arcturus

5 - Agreetor

6 - Anektor

7 - Duendin

8 - Algerib

9 - Agena

10 - Lalandry

11 - Vega

12 - Golubin

13 - Spica

14 - Capra

15 - Acrab

16 - Deneb

17 - Sapho

18 - Castor

19 - Pollux

20 - Storcha

21 - Teno

22 - Riga

23 - Cursa

24 - Thuban

25 - Mira

26 - Adoron

27 - Macra

28 - Seginus

29 - Kenturus

30 - Yed

31 - Mirach

32 - Almach

33 - Altair

34 - Nollar

35 - Schreddar

36 - Albira

37 - Dipda

38 - Spica

39 - Caff

40 - Corboda

41 - Ceti

42 - Kruger

43 - Spira

44 - Procyon

45 - Crucis

46 - Banquo

47 - Kiteye

48 - Kneller

49 - Hannah

50 - Betelgeuse

51 - Mesra

52 - Lapit

53 - Kracklite

54 - Salcis

55 - Okkra

56 - Bolstar

57 - Bestall

58 - Procis

59 - Salamon

60 - Groombridge

61 - Scheet

62 - Nath

63 - Strat

64 - Diss

65 - Bosch

66 - Plin

67 - Zed

68 - Paul

69 - Bolse

70 - Droma

71 - Alcano

72 - Spiller

73 - Polcis

74 - Hoyten

75 - Luper

76 - McCay

77 - Regulus

78 - Eiridani

79 - Branca

80 - Bellatrix

81 - Muriel

82 - Storbart

83 - Gobin

84 - Adnam

85 - Boston

86 - Locis

87 - Borick

88 - Crupal

89 - Indi

90 - Smeltza

91 - Fabritius

92 - Colcis

93 - Boudica

94 - Centauri

95 - Sopul

96 - Jonah

97 - Ritback

98 - Rostra

99 - Procyon

100 - Electra

DEAVALMA - citat

"scaunul de nuc cu picioare curbate fabricat de Gambs, care ascunde în pintecele sau tapisat cu creton englezesc, comorile doamnei Petuhova"